Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
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There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
me and the Superbowl rn
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
My five year plan is a meteorite
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.