On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
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ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday