Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
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Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room