Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
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Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
But wait…
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?