My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
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I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath