*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
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Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Whoa 😂
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Lube but for my dry humor.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
“I wouldn’t.”
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”