TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
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I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?