Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
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smartest karate player in the world
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
the #horror is real!