I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
You Might Also Like
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans