When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
You Might Also Like
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”