i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
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I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Always
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.