I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
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Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing