Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
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Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
worst…sale…ever
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.