Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
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I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.