I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
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reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
12653.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.