4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.