“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
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the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?