Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
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Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.