Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
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I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA