Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
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Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
real
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
courtroom exchange of the day
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Social Media and Real life
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.