[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
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sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.