When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
You Might Also Like
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked