Yup.
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Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*