She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
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how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
shut up and take my money
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Legend 🤣🤣
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.