Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
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Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Care for your back
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”