Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Me trying to look natural in photos
your honor my client chooses dare
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*