I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
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Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET