I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
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the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,