You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
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Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door