“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
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where do you see yourself in five years?
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
man i love columbo
With this onion ring, I thee fed
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*