my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
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All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
hmmm
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.