finally
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast