Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
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It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Twitter fine art
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?