I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
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You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts