Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
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[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”