[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
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Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!