iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Imma just leave this here…………