Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
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Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look