if my sleeping schedule was a person
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Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!