An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.