It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
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No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down