As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
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[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit