When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
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Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Me, reading some of your tweets
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19