Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
You Might Also Like
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Guys, I found it.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.