The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
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[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’