No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
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it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.