Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
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You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.