[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
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[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*