[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
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“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Last-minute gift idea!
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
twitter users today:
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.