me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
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Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
The Weeknd is back
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.